Language Barrier

Ever since coming to Australia at the beginning of 1996, I have always seen English as foreign to me. I clearly remember my first day at Elermore Vale Primary School where I had to say “I don't know how to speak English” to people so that they wouldn't think I was strange when I didn't answer them because I didn't understand what they were saying to me. I also remember going to a shop wanting to buy eggs for my aunt and coming back with the wrong change because I didn't know how to tell the man that he didn't give me enough, and then getting in trouble for it. Even today I keep being teased because of my accent or for pronouncing a word with the wrong intonation, like the time when my boss at work thought I said “A freaking child” instead of “African child”. The situation was funny, and I laugh at it, but in my mind situations like these kept reinforcing that English was foreign to me.

My early experiences with English have played a huge part in helping to mould me into the type of person that I am. When I first came to Australia, I felt that most of my experiences with English were negative. I felt that every time that I would open my mouth I would either say the wrong thing or would keep being corrected. I would try to avoid it by simply listening to people in conversations instead of participating. Even to this very day I feel that when I'm in a group I'm too self-conscious to talk or to make conversation for the fear of people making fun of me.

And now, 15 years later, I feel exactly the same.

My native language, the language that I once felt comfortable with, has now become foreign to me. I've always seen Polish language as central to where I am from and who I am, yet over the last few weeks I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that English has now replaced the role that Polish has played in shaping my identity.

I now no longer think in Polish but in English, I structure my sentences in English, my unconscious response is to answer in English, I do everything in English so now having to speak Polish all the time is an effort and a source of many frustrations. My sentences no longer sound right, I can no longer find the right words, and I no longer use words that are current. Like yesterday for example, I used the word “frajda” which meant “something fun” when I lived in Poland but as I was informed by my cousins that word hasn't been used for over 10 years and so I just look old-school using it. Instead I need to use the word “bajer”, which means the same thing but is “way cooler”.

For me this element of acclimatisation has been difficult, it has also been frustrating having people correct me all the time. In Australia I have been the one correcting people, checking spelling, grammar and so forth, while now others are doing it to me but on a larger scale. I feel like a kid again. I feel like once again I need to learn how to read and write, which for me professionally and personally is a bit condescending, but I'm trying to get used to it and learn as much as I can so that I can learn as soon as possible.

I am determined to learn Polish again as soon as possible so that I can once again feel like I can speak my language. My aim is to read as much as possible so that I can start to pick things up, so that I can express myself, so that I can do more than just listen and so that people can stop correcting me every time I speak or write. I want to regain my self-confidence which is being eroded by feelings of inadequacy.

Wish me luck!